2009 Predictions

Looking for Summer Weather Prediction? Check out the details here – it’s a link to an RTE Radio 1 interview where all is revealed

No more Father Ted

TV schedulers finally decide (after 10 years) that the public has had enough Father Ted on TV. One scheduler said : “There is no law that says Monday night comedy has to include Father Ted. We will let it rest until 2018 and the 20th Anniversary. Meantime, there are plenty of other good shows out there we can cheer everyone up with on a Monday instead.” Graham Linehan takes out a full page ad in the London Times to say thanks.

Dail babes calendar

Liz O’Donnell returns to the Dail in August to strip for a charity calendar. HB oblige by providing a refrigerated truck to ensure a suitably nippy photograph. Mary Harney loses 10 stone in an effort to become Miss December and don a special Santa outfit. Diplomatic photographer takes photo and spends a mammoth 12 hours photoshopping it.

Church rising

Irish consumers turn back to the church in their droves when retailers unilaterally decide to suspend Sunday trading indefinitely. Embued with a new sense of purpose, the church embarks on a recruitment drive to get young men into the ranks. Colin Farrell stars in a campaign called “Vatican Vice” which later falls foul of advertising guidelines. Apparantly, the priesthood is not alll about fags, booze and nuns.

Blogger stops blogging

Another Irish blogger stops blogging. Irish blogosphere goes mental. Office bound workers wonder how they will manage without their daily fix of the blog in question. The gaping void is soon filled and normal service resumes.

Scorcher of a day

July 17th will be an absolute scorcher. The sun will shine, the beaches will be packed and shops will run out of Ambre Solaire.The great Irish public will believe that Summer has arrived at last. The weather forecast at 9.30pm will shatter the hopes and dreams of a nation soaked to the bone. RTE suspend weather forecasts after 10,215 complaints are logged. Weather forecast stings now include “Terms and conditions apply”.

Hello, Happy Happy launched

A new magazine is launched which provided an antidote to doom and gloom. Joe Duffy is the brains behind “Hello, Happy Happy” – a 32 page glossy filled with good news stories from around Ireland and further afield. Duffy said the idea came to him after yet another whingefest on his radio show. “I’m actually fed up with all this whingeing”, said Duffy. “Ireland needs something different and Hello, Happy Happy is just what the doctor ordered. It couldn’t come at a better time. If I had to keep listening to all this shite on the radio, I might just shoot myself. The magazine allows me to look on the bright side of things”.

Newspaper nationalisation

The Irish Times, Irish Independent and Irish Examiner all go into receivership. In a radical step to ensure publication of a daily newspaper, the government buys out all three titles and a new paper is launched. “Ireland, Ireland, Repub-a-lic of Ireland Today” is an instant hit. The 64 page tabloid has 16 pages of PR fluff and photographs of Rosanna Davison – 32 pages of puzzles, recipes, death notices, ads and sport. The remaining 16 pages are blank and perforated – designed to be used as toilet paper.

Psychics bomb

Premium rate psychic telephone lines become a thing of the past as the Broadcasting Commission decide that advertising for their services can no longer be broadcast. In a ruling, the BCI said that belief in angels and psychic prediction in general can be considered a religion, they had no option but to ban the ads. Veritas have the last laugh, when the BCI show some flexibility and allow “real meaning of Christmas” ads to air in the run up to Christmas 2009.

Shaky world

A big earthquake hits somewhere in the world and there is speculation that the re-run of the Large Hadron Collider experiment has caused the tremor. The tabloids have a field day with the story which results in rocketing sales for tinned food products. A bit of a mudslide in Killarney on the same day fails to make headlines but sees 24 hour Novenas being said at the local shrine.

Twinkletoes

Twink becomes regular host of Podge and Rodge and releases an official charity single of “Zip up yer mickey”.

Apprentice

Bill Cullen isn’t hired for the second series of the Apprentice when he publicly declares that one of the sponsors of the show, Snap Printing, are “Mad expensive and wouldn’t get my business if they were the last printer on earth. They’ve got some liathroidi to charge those prices”. TV3 hold open auditions for a new Bill and after a 3 week search they settle on Joanna Murphy who relishes her role as a black haired Ann Robinson.  In other Apprentice news, Paddy O’Dea sets up his own voiceover business and finds a niche in selling products for insomniacs on a teleshopping satellite channel.

Exposed

More TV3 news. Expose is axed. Nobody notices.

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It’s going to be an interesting year.