Dear Brian, or may I dispense with the formality and call you by your proper title, Biffo the Bear with a sore head?
It can’t have escaped your notice that there’s a lot of doom and gloom about. That most lightweight of Sunday reading material, the Business Post, says today that solicitors are finding it hard to get jobs now, partly because the property market conveyancing gravy train has dribbled it’s last drop of the brown stuff.
This news comes on top of other reports that retail sales are down, manufacturing jobs are leaving the country in droves, vat receipts are down, the cost of living keeps going up – the list goes on and on.
As if all this wasn’t enough, you’ve just been given a swift kick in the nuts via the public’s rejection of the Lisbon treaty. Why, I wouldn’t be surpised to learn that you are reading this having downed the last drop of your fifth bottle of Whiskey since Friday in an effort to dull the pain.
Some might say that this killer kick was delivered to you because people are feeling a bit like Kevin the disaffected teenager who is just seriouly pissed off with life and feels the need to shout “I hate you” when things don’t go his way. It might provide you with some comfort to know that I don’t agree with this assessment. I think you got hammered because of basic cognitive science. I might write to you on another occasion with my thoughts on this subject, but I realise I am taking up your valuable time and I will therefore get to the point of my letter.
What I’m proposing to you Biffo, is something that’s not going to be popular and will get the Legion of Mary out with their rosary beads quicker than you can say Durex. You didn’t take the job to be popular so I’m sure you will give this your very considered thought. My suggestion is that you turn Ireland into the gambling capital of Europe. Yes, that’s the plan. We don’t have decent enough weather to sell sun holidays, so we should sell vice holidays instead. We’re already world leaders in the alcohol vice so we might as well go the whole hog and add gambling to the list of things we’re known for. Just pull all that money out of the National Pensions Fund (which isn’t exactly investing in lily white areas anyway) and build some casinos instead or go down the Public Private Partnership route. You’ve got lots of pals that love to take a flutter on the nags, so you’re “in” there.
Think of all the jobs, the swelled coffers, the ready made locations for Fianna Fail fundraisers. You have to admit, it is a rock solid idea and don’t forget – what happens in Clara, stays in Clara.
All my best,