Apprentice Watch – Week 9 – The one with the very models of the modern major generals

Ring a ring o’roses, A pocketful of posies, a-tishoo, a-tishoo, We all fall down.

I seem to remember this little ditty being sung by girls when I was younger. They would all dance around in a ring chant the words, and then – all fall down.. I also seem to remember that I was dragged into this little girl game by my sister to make up numbers. Oh dear, it’s all coming back to me. Better move on. There are more important things to discuss.

The task : come up with a brand name for tissues, shoot a tv ad and create some print ads.

I have one question I would love to ask the candidates on this task. Have they ever watched the previous series of the Apprentice and seen the attempts at this task before? Have they not looked at the screen from behind their hands and cringed at how bad the ads are. They might be ok for a secondary school project, but most certainly not ok to pitch to professional ad men.

Fascinated at the Michael and Raef lovefest. I didn’t realise those two had such an affinity – they reminded me a bit of Laurel and Hardy for some reason. Just a little bit. It was quite special to watch the two of them recall their days “treading the boards” in theatre land. Raef recited something or other with great flourish and Michael – dear god above – he gave a most bizarre rendition of Fagin from Oliver. Think of the Count from Sesame Street singing “I’m reviewing the situation” and you are close. The music that accompanied the two boys scenes completed the Oliver and Hardy picture. Clever producers!

And the lovely Lucinda has suddenly revealed her inner bulldog. I still like her (actually I quite fancy her), but I’d never have guessed she was as fiery as that. Thrown in with pretty boy and well ‘ard (Alex and Lee), she somehow felt the need to assert herself more. Don’t quite know why that was though. Perhaps she likes to dominate men? Hmm.

Between the three of them, they came up with a good name – easy to remember and in your face – Atishoo. Much better than “I love my tissues” which Raef and Co. came up with. It’s always easy to say something like having watched the episode, but anyone that shops (most people presumably, apart from Raef who has man servants to do that) knows it is difficult to stand out in the marketplace. Big and bold sells, much to Raef’s disapproval in one of his interview pieces. What is the world coming to, oh deary me.

Must have been nerve wracking for the teams to do the picthes to the admen, Sir Alan, Margaret and Nick. Claire did a fine job I thought, but I really had to hide behind a cushion watching Lee. It was awaful and I think we were spared the worst of it by judicious editing. Poor chap. He wasn’t helped by Alex and Lucinda advising him on what to say 1/2 hour before the pitch, a point that Margaret picked up on.

Both teams had cringeworthy ads – hammy is not the word for it. Sir Alan thought Michael and Raef’s effort was artistic. Alex, Lee and Lucinda’s ad was deemed to hit the spot as it actually put the product front and centre. Therefore they won the task.

Project manager Raef took Michael and Claire back into the boardroom for the showdown. Loved Sir Alan’s comment about Claire loading 600 rounds of bullshit into her AK47, in reference to the fact she would defend herself stoutly in the boardroom.

I am sooo disappointed that the little shit (to quote our Jennifer) Michael wasn’t thrown out the window, never mind fired. He has THE whiniest voice and puts on these puppy dog sad eyes when he’s backed into a corner. I AM THE BEST Sir Alan. Every GOOD thing about this task was down to ME. WAAAH, WAAAH. Throw the bottle out of the pram as well Michael. Ugh… Next week please let him be gone. Oh, sorry – it was Raef who got fired. It was never going to be Claire but I really wanted it to be Michael.

Something about cars next week I think and it’s on TUESDAY because of some football match – tut.

BONUS

Ok, so there are 6 candidates left. It’s time for some top trumps I think.